Ramblings Of A Madman
by InsaneMonkeePirate
Summary: He was mad, oh yes indeed. What would it take to get over it before he died?


**_Ramblings of a Madman_**

_**By: The I.M.P.**_

Life is sick and twisted. It's not real. None of it. You're only sleeping and dreaming about what could be or might have been. It's a game someone's playing to mess with our heads, to hurt us, to tear us and those we love apart. It betrays all that we've ever known and betrays all those we've ever trusted. And it's all a lie.

Lies form the foundation on which our society is built. Parents lying to parents, parents lying to their parents, and the children stand by and watch it all.

Have you ever lived a lie? Have you ever had someone you trusted with your life, only to have them betray it? Because your life means nothing to them. Deep down, all anyone ever cares about is number one. They could confess their love to you and in the next instant have you pinned against a wall with a knife at your throat. The truth hurts. Guess what? I know that better than anyone.

I've spent my whole life trying to figure out who I am, and I finally came to this conclusion: I don't know who I am, nor will I ever know. I thought I was getting a glimpse of who I was when I first came to Hogwarts, but then, too many burdens and false promises were shoved on top of me and I foundered in the great, stormy sea that is life.

Do you know who I am? People tell me I'm brave and wonderful and handsome. But what does that matter when you have no soul? I've lost a lot, fighting this hell. This hell of abuse and ghosts and nightmares. I'm just a body, fighting to stay alive. Alive in a life that is nothing, means nothing to me. I have no feelings, no senses, a robot machine, that's all that I am. I've been used, lied to, betrayed, chewed up and spit out. All by those who I thought were my friends. They mumbled some crap about destiny and choices, and power, and good and evil. At the time I thought he was the solution to all my problems. I could listen to him, and defeat the "bad" guys, and my life would be perfect. Or, that's what he led me to believe. He was the one I should have killed, and in the end, that's what happened. He pushed me too far. He dared me to alienate myself from all that I loved, all that kept me sane.

These may seem like the ramblings of a madman, and I assure you, I am mad. Mad at the ones who destroyed my life. At Petunia, Vernon and Dudley Dursley, who made my life a living hell. At Draco Malfoy and the Death Eaters who haunted my dreams, as well as my waking hours. At Hermione, and Ron, for leaving me when I needed them most. At Remus Lupin and Sirius Black for hiding the truth about my parents, when that could have saved me, and those I loved, but they were too scared. At the teachers, who had no heart, no feelings for this poor boy who bore the weight of the world on his two scrawny, bony shoulders. And at Dumbledore, who lied and cursed me with his praise, who tore me apart, made me feel guilty for ever being born.

But, as mad as I got at him, there was another, my soul mate, who betrayed and rejected me. Who drowned me with her love, then left me out to dry. Hate is not a strong enough word to express the gap in my heart where she used to live. It can't describe the black hole that now resides there, sucking all emotion from me.

She was beautiful, I'll give her that. She was so beautiful. With her hair that matched her temper, which shone in the sun like a banner that said, look at me. But beauty is merely the cover for a traitorous soul.

There was another, another who nurtured me, let me grow into who I am today. And, no, he was not kind and gentle. There was Voldemort, yes I say his name without fear, yes I say his name in a friendly manner, for he was the one who taught me about power. That life will always be rough. I could kill him, and I would feel good, for a time. Then I would feel that someone else was the cause of my problems, and I would know how to kill. I would want to kill. I would feel that that was my only solution. If I killed him, I would be heralded as a hero. For a while. Then, I would slip up and the world would turn its back on me. So, before that could happen, I should turn my back on the world. He was right.

So here I end my days, all alone, broken, defeated. In a prison of my mind by the sea. I choose to end it here, where it all began. I thought if anywhere, it would be here. I could find it and be at peace at last. But I was wrong. I still have not found my soul. If you see it, could you return it to me?

* * *

**I.M.P. Tah dah? Was it any good? Please tell me, my brain is not working cause I am… floating (See a balloon-like I.M.P. go soaring into the clouds) (I'm not high or stoned or whatever... just really happy)**

**_This idea came from when I was working in the library at school, when our biology class was dissecting. I have my issues with dissecting, I refuse for moral reasons. Anyway, I was sitting there and a very rough version of this popped into my head. Then, I found it again 3 weeks later on my computer, and sacrificed sleep to finish it. I think it's okay. If people like it, I may post a sequel or prequel, or something of the sort. I love y'all (Yes I said y'all, get over it)_**


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